7 Resolutions To Help You Completely Fuck Up The New Year

Dublin Life Coach Uses NLP To Help You Achieve Your Goals

I’d like to think very few people, if any, go out of their way to set up these resolutions. Doing so would be a massive mistake. And so, here are 7 big mistakes that will make your year well and truly miserable. So basically, just to make sure, this is what you DO NOT want to do:

Mistake #1: Have no goals, dreams or aspirations. Have nothing to look forward to but the groundhog routines of everyday life and things other people make you do. That’s one way to stifle your creativity, self-confidence and motivation. 3 in 1 shot, not bad! You don’t have to want to conquer Everest, swim with crocodiles, or complete a marathon. Maybe you’ve always wanted to be able to knit a scarf, or cook a delicious 3 course dinner. But by all means do not daydream about these things, don’t be following your passions in life, and whatever you do, set yourself no challenges or goals of any type.

Mistake #2 Don’t appreciate yourself and what you have. Avoid looking at your face in the mirror, dislike your body with every ounce of your soul, and neglect your health until your doctor tells you you’ve lost it. Moan and complain about how crappy your life is, but do not, under any circumstances, do anything to make things better. Continue to hate your job, your relationship status, your social life… cry about it often, often feel down about it, but don’t be doing anything about it. Definitely don’t think about the 9 million people in Syria who’ve lost everything, including 4 million children living in tents in sub-zero temperatures right now.

Mistake #3: Avoid change at all cost. In nature everything is always changing. Plants, flowers, and animals are always being born, growing, maturing, ripening, dying… but us human don’t like change. We avoid it like the plague. Even if we’re unhappy with the current state of affairs, we’d rather stay where we are than change what needs to be changed. We don’t like to change our mind, we want to lose weight without changing our diet or exercising, we want to find love from the comfort of our couch, we want to have more friends but we’re afraid to get out and meet new people, we want a more exciting job but we don’t want to go through the effort of finding a new one… so, this year too, avoid change. Stay exactly where you are for as long as you can handle it. It’s not going to affect your physical and mental health at all…

Mistake #4: Be as serious and miserable as you can for as long as you can. Feel down for days on end and worry for no good reason at all. Really go to town on this! Let people and things get you down easily. Become a doormat and surround yourself with toxic and unsupportive people. Avoid smiling, make no eye contact whatsoever with people, and/or don’t care at all for other people at all. Take yourself and life really seriously, like. Compare yourself with other people all the time, so you never ever feel good again. Also, fill your heart with jealousy and envy, and resentment for other people’s achievements.

Mistake #5: Be very very afraid. Make sure you develop a fearful outlook on life. Whatever you do, always see the glass half empty. Instead of focusing on and appreciating on all the wonderful things life on earth has to offer, focus on all the bad stuff that happens around the world every day. Watch the news a few times a day, read all the newspapers, and then go watch Eastenders to top it all off. Then talk about it with other people, think about it, and go to bed worrying about it. Be very afraid of everything and everyone at all times. So afraid you’re totally paralyzed by fear and go nowhere, meet no one, do nothing, take no risks whatsoever in life.

Mistake #6: Don’t move. Spend all your time sitting down. On an office chair, on the couch, at the cinema, at the pub… spend as much time as you can sitting down, lying down and being generally lazy. Live a sedentary lifestyle. Drive to the shops, take a taxi down the road, have someone else do everything for you. Spend all your spare time and weekends drinking alcohol and eating fast food. Sandwiches, kebabs, Chinese, Indian, Burger King… drink coffee and diet coke instead of water! Chain smoke, sure what’s the harm. Continue to make excuses as to why you can’t exercise and hating other people who do and have healthier and more attractive bodies.

Mistake #7: A real melange of stuff to really help you fuck up the new year, and probably the rest of your life: spend money you don’t have, don’t save anything for a rainy day, be even more disorganized than last year, get your stress levels right up to the very limit, neglect your family and friends, don’t help other people, be a more selfish and self-absorbed version of you, sleep much less, and whatever you do, do not travel the world and experience new cultures and learn new things.

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