The EATING DISORDER That Almost Killed Me

Eating Disorders l Coaching And NLP

Many years ago I suffered from what experts now call Anorexia and Bulimia.

At the time I didn’t know that’s what I was going through, and probably best, as whoever chose those ugly names didn’t help things.

If I was to start analyzing things, where it all stemmed from, how I “got it”, I’m sure I’d end up in a dark enough place. But I’m not going to do that, because what’s the point?

What I know is this:

As Humans We Think; We Think Too Much And It Often Gets Us Into Trouble

From a very young age I remember feeling feelings of jealousy and envy towards the females in my life; sisters, cousins, school friends… they were all, or at least they seemed, prettier and thinner than me.

I remember seeing my slimmer friends eating carrots and apples as snacks, whilst I’d be munching on a donut, and thinking “Hmmm, maybe if I…”. So I took it upon myself to make myself look like them.

By age 13 I’d joined a gym and started cutting off whole food groups from my diet: no milk, no bread, no meat… I did calisthenics classes 3 times a week with a bunch of “old” ladies in their forties, and decided to become a vegetarian.

Mum started to suspect something was wrong.

By the time I was 17, and at 5’5’’, I’d gone from a little chubby to under 7 stone. I was surviving on an apple a day, or a bunch of green beans, water, and post-lunch Stairmaster workout sessions wearing a plastic tracksuit.

If I ever felt a little weak I’d binge on chocolate pastries until I got sick, then starved and worked out like a lunatic again. I’d go running up and down hundreds of stairs, trekking up mountains, I even made up my own fitness blend: a mix of ballet and Jane Fonda style toning exercises.

I also became an expert at lying. I’d hide food in my mouth during lunch and then spit it out afterwards. I’d hide food in my clothes, or throw it out of the window… I never ate out with family and friends cos I had “already eaten”… By then I had a boyfriend with a roving eye that made me compare myself to other women even more. I couldn’t grow my boobs on demand, but I could certainly be thinner than them b*tches.

At The Time I Didn’t Know That Doing The Things I Was Doing Repeatedly And Over Time Would Develop Into Automatic Behaviours; Habits That Would Almost Kill Me

I didn’t know that the unconscious mind is non-discerning, and that whether a behavior is good or bad for you, if you do it enough times and build certain rituals around it, it might be real hard to get rid of it in the future.

I got to the point where I looked exactly the way I wanted to look; what I considered perfect. I’d lost everything that made me a woman; my boobs, my hips… people who knew me all my life didn’t recognize me on the street, some thought I was a boy.

There were things in my life I had no control over, but I’d succeeded at controlling my body. Finally I’d got it to look exactly how I wanted it to look.

However, I wasn’t able to climb a flight of stairs without getting out of breath. My blood pressure was so low I’d feel faint almost daily, especially in the morning, yet I’d refuse to have breakfast. My sight got blurry. I started to have panic attacks, and if I got out of the house and went past a certain imaginary point, I’d get really anxious and would have to rush back home. I lost my ability to think straight and retain information. Just before my last year college exams I had a massive panic attack and dropped out to never go back.

Still, I refused to let mum take me to the doctor.

One night in bed, I noticed my stomach was so concave you could fit a football on it. I couldn’t sleep cos I could hear my heart beating, so loud, and suddenly so fast…  I thought it was going to come out of my chest. It started to beat even faster, and I got real scared. I thought “oh my god, I’m going to die”.

My whole body was trembling as I got up and made it to the kitchen where I kneeled down crying, literally praying to a god I didn’t believe in “please help me, if you help me I’ll start eating properly again, I promise”.

I reached for the sugar bowl and had about 5 table spoonfuls of sugar. Still freaking out I went out to the balcony for some fresh air. I lied down and fell asleep.

Mum found me the following morning. I cried and said sorry for all the sleepless nights and worry I’d caused her for so long.

She hugged me and said “you’re my beautiful daughter, why did you do this to yourself?” I said “I just want to be thin”, and as I said it, for the first time ever I heard how ridiculous I sounded.

That Day I Gave Up Trying To Kill Myself And Started Loving Myself

To this day I work out regularly and eat healthily most of the time, because I want to, and because I know it’s good for me.

What I stopped doing is: comparing myself to other women, hating myself, hating other women, trying to please everybody, trying to be someone I’m not, making who I am about my looks only, and trying to achieve what I already am and always was: perfect.

It can be so easy to get into the trap I let myself into. It started with a small thing and snowballed to the size of a killer avalanche. But you don’t be a fool like me. You didn’t come to this world to be a slave to anyone, or anything.

Work out, eat, and set yourself free.


PS: It took time and effort to develop healthy eating habits and healthy thinking habits again. At the beginning it was uncomfortable. But all it takes is time, persistence, nurture, support, and looking in the mirror and sending yourself loving thoughts every day <3

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